Today is Tuesday. Way back here:
I publicly committed to posting twice a week on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Q: Why in the world did I commit to that?!?
A: Because I know myself. If I had not made a public commitment I would not be writing now.
So, anyway, there’s that.
This may be messy and not very at-all coherent (see!) but here’s what I’m tossing around this morning. Maybe you can help me make some sense of it ….??
Two thoughts, ideas, that kinda sorta seem to be total opposites ….
(Margin: My eyelid is twitching right now. That almost never happens. Maybe an outward manifestation of my inner chaos? Who am I right now?)
Anyway, Sunday evening Jennie Allen, founder of IF:Gathering https://ifgathering.com/ randomly created a facebook “village.” The village began as a handful of women, quickly grew to hundreds and now has reached 3,609 members (and still growing – I’ve had to update that total twice already!)
Come join! What’s 1 or 20 more?
So one of the main themes of this group has been women sharing struggles and feelings of not being “enough”, ….
Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough, just …
Have you ever felt the same? Like you just don’t measure up?
Are you always working harder, continually striving to be “enough”?
Another margin: I don’t think I would have written this a few years ago. A few years ago I probably would have said something like: “Of course I’m enough! Of course you’re enough! Why can’t we all just quit our whining and get over ourselves already?!?”
For years I found a strong sense of pride in my independence, my self-sufficiency, my “can-do” attitude. I do believe that these are strengths that God and my mama have blessed me with. 😉
But I also know that my “can-do” began as a “have-to” as in: “I have to figure this out, take care of this, do this all by myself. There is no one else I can count on. Everyone always lets me down. Either they don’t help me at all or they do it all wrong. There’s no point in even asking for help – I’m not gonna get it anyway. If I ask I’ll just be let down and hurt all over again. Why bother? I’m safer on my own.”
My years of self-sufficiency and self-protecting led to the self-building of a wall around myself and my heart.
I’m sure you can imagine what an asset this has been in my marriage. 😉
Hint: not really
But I am learning that the root of all my self-reliance really comes from a place of not feeling good enough or worth enough to deserve any attention or help.
It goes all the way back to middle school (horror of horrors!) where I literally did not speak for over two years because I was afraid of what everyone would think if I said the wrong thing.
So I too struggle with feelings of not being enough.
And, if we’re really being honest, don’t we all?
So that’s one side of the coin …
And then this morning I read this in my first5 app http://first5.org/
Do not bring anything with a defect, because it will not be accepted on your behalf.
But does this not totally contradict the message to stop striving to be enough?
Come on #first5 #JennieAllen – what are you doing to me here?!?
On the one hand Jennie Allen is telling me to stop trying to be enough and first5 says to only bring my best to God?
What the what?!?
Is anyone else as confused as me right now?
Are those not two totally opposing forces?
Maybe not …
Here’s how this is playing out in my heart today
I am not enough.
And I never will be enough.
But Jesus is more than enough.
I am riddled with defects, shortcomings, and flaws but where I am broken and lacking Jesus is not. He covers me and fills in all of my cracks and broken places. He will always be more than enough.
And, besides, the question of “Am I enough?” is not for me to answer anyway. It’s not up to me to decide.
Because of Jesus God has already declared me as more than enough.
He sees me as His creation, as His child and I really have no say in the matter.
God knows and understands my best much better than I do.
I know I am called not to judge others but to love them.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
So today I am going to try this a little backwards and love myself as I love others.
No more judging.
No more “not enough.”
And that’s enough.